Amd here's another log about how I despise any holiday. How's everyone else's 4th of July? Beach, BBQ, friends, family? I'm not too upset today. I did pick up at work today just to pass the time. Pathetic. This is God's plan for me. This is what my life is and I have to accept it. I accept it with a heavy heart.
I was a bridesmaid in a wedding yesterday. I was one of 2 only single girls present. I got a lot of "you're next" and "when's your wedding?" I wanted to hurt these people. When the bouquet toss came, my friend told me to go and I said no - I hated the tradition. She kept pushing so I cussed her out and left.
I despise some wedding traditions: the bouquet toss, garter toss, speeches, and the clinking of sillverware for a kiss. I have never participated in them and I don't plan on doing it if I ever get married. In fact, I don't know how much I care for a bachelorette party or a bridal shower or even having a bridal party. The only tradition I do care about is relgious and cultural.
And how sad was it for the ONE girl who had to stand up there by herself. That could have been me. I already know I'm not getting married - it's in my blood line. Most of the women in my family are not married. I've known I wouldn't be married since I was a kid. Catching the bouquet isn't gonna help! As much as I do like weddings and being a bridesmaid, this is probably my last one!
...but I am ready to die. There are so many things I have yet to experience, but I am ready to die. When it's your time, it's your time. Sometimes I wish my time was sooner than later. Sometimes I think it would be better than feeling the shitty things I feel.
They always say not to look back. Don't dwell in the past. The future is bright.
But what if it isn't? What if your past is better than your present?
I guess that's my dilemma. Over the years things got worse. So now what?
It still stings. My first (and only) love. Maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad if I was happy with my own life. I see that he's happy. Maybe it hurts more because I pulled away and left behind all our friends and family in the "divorce." Aahh..the price you pay for dating the boy next door. The one you've known since you 8. The one you were suppose to marry.
The couple our families rooted for.
I would take it all back if I could. I would give anything just to be the girl next door again. Not the ex.
After seeing him and my ex friends and family this past weekend, I realized how much life I've missed out on. Is it my fault because I walked away in order to avoid my ex bf? Am I that bitter because my own life sucks? Do still have feelings for him? Am I ever gonna fall in love like that again?
He's texted me every month for the past two years-behind his gf's back. He updates me on his life. Questions mine. Complains to me when he and his gf fight. And I answer. Everyone tells me he texts me because there's still something there. Maybe I answer because there is still something there.
Whatever it is, it's been eating away at me for 6 years and counting. I miss my old life. My old friends. Maybe even my old relationship. I just keep praying that it will all go away soon,